There is a wall. And no, it’s not the one President Trump wants to build, either. This wall is the wall you hit when you don’t know what to do next, or what you want to do in the future. When you know you’ve done something right but it becomes harder to see the bright future you saw before you made that decision. It’s something that puts a shadow of doubt on the current situation, and makes you lose hope. No hope for the future. And no hope that what you’re doing will succeed. And no hope that anyone will actually understand your wise decision.
I seem to have hit that wall with the recent changes to the administration on OptimusMC, where I shifted away from the majority of the staff team and focused on trying to make OptimusMC more of a business, the way it should have been set up in a long time. Unfortunately, most of the staff members at the time did not understand my decisions, even though it didn’t necessarily affect them in the slightest. What’s wrong with one new face? One new person who could help? And who could breathe new life into the project I’ve been working on for so long? Is it that hard to process?
Staff turned against each other like it’s their duty to destroy the competition, to be promoted. That’s not the object of the game; it’s simple: to help other people. Have the staff members on OptimusMC lost their original thoughts and vision when they first started? Was it to help people, or argue over block game? My job was unfortunately much different; usually cleaning up after the huge messes and faults that staff members so often make. While I’m not mentioning anyone in particular, this happened on a regular basis. It is seen as unprofessional.
I’m labelled as “idiot,” “stupid,” and even “careless”–and all because of the actions I chose in order to better the project that I’ve worked on for over a year. Some of the people who called me these hurtful, derogatory terms don’t even have any business worrying or being concerned about my situation(s). Furthermore, the labels I listed are only recent; for I’ve been called retarted, asshole, bitch, dick, and even other derogatory terms. I’ve been criticized based on the way I look, the way I speak, and have even gone on to disrespect me based upon my work ethics. While certainly, this has barely any effect on me as I’ve been able to do it, through thick and thin, it’s certainly played with my emotions to the point where it becomes one factor or source of my high stress and anxiety levels.
I’ve poured my heart and soul into this project, and it pains me to see friend turned enemy. Someone I trust leaving to make something publicly known in an effort to get arise out of me. This isn’t just about block game, this is just life as well. I’ve had friends do this to me. But this time, it’s more personal.
102,469 lines of code and a year of hard work and people still fail to see the true reason I’m still in the game to this day. This whole business is the only reason I’m still interested. And I’m finally ready to put it all to rest.
It’s been a good 3 years. It truly has. But, at the end of the day, I can’t keep adding more and more to my anxiety and stress, worrying about whether or not one of my staff members will get an argument with a customer. It’s not worth my time anymore. It really isn’t.
Should I come back, it will not be for a while.
I appreciate everyone’s help throughout the past couple of years. Thanks.
P.S. I suppose I should work on blogging or something.